Home » depression » My Dirty Little Secret: Depression

My Dirty Little Secret: Depression

Saturday was a really great day. I woke up HAPPILY at 6 a.m. — something that rarely happens. During the week, I’m up between 5 and 5:30 to get Chanel off to school and then I lay back down until it’s time for Trowa to get up. I woke up, got my blue hair dye on my hair so it could sit for a couple of hours, fed the littles, watched a movie with them, showered, put make up on, and went shopping with my mom. I came home, cleaned my room and spent the rest of the afternoon working on my blog. Now, that might not sound like anything big to you, but it was kind of huge for me. It made me kind of realize that I’m finally getting out of this rut I’ve been in.

Mostly because depression is such a personal subject, I don’t really want to go in to the details of mine. It’s something that I’ve dealt with for a long time and something I’m sure I’ll continue to deal with. I don’t take any medication for it because I don’t like how the medication messes with me.* I obviously have my ups and downs, like any one else, but I feel like most of the time I have it under control.

There are few things in particular that have saved me from myself – all of them are books or book related things (okay- and maybe a few bands). First, Lord of the Rings – I saw the Fellowship of the Ring first and fell in love and devoured the books and have been obsessed ever since. It got me through high school. I’m not joking in the slightest. I would not be who I am today without it. I had a really great group of friends that were just as obsessed with it. We dressed up, we learned to write elvish, we watched the movies and discussed the books. Even though high school sucked and I spent many, many hours crying in the girls bathroom, I had a great group of friends that made it better. Secondly, Sabriel/Lirael/Abhorsen … This book series means so much to me. It’s crazy. I am so in love with the characters and the writing and the world that it’s insane. In high school I feel like everyone needs that strong heroic person that they look up to, and I stumbled across Sabriel. She was this strong, female character who saved a kingdom … It just, it made me fall in love with writing. It made me want to write and I wrote some really, really bad poetry and stories, but I wrote things. I have since gotten rid of a lot of them. (I’m sure my mom has some hidden around… I cringe at the thought.) But, I remember write one where there was a line in it… “She’s a synonym for broken” and for YEARS after my username for almost everything was SynonymForBroken because I felt like I was. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to accept myself and really embrace certain things about myself and most of the time I like myself. That’s something that even like 2 years ago I probably couldn’t have said.  I still to this day read the Abhorsen trilogy (I guess now it’s not a trilogy because of Clariel) at least once a year if not more.

Anyway, I got myself into this bad routine where I was basically not doing anything unless I had to. It kind of sucked. I think a lot of it was situational, a lot of major things have changed in my life – I mean, I moved across the friggin country – but I’ve finally adjusted. Not that Alabama is necessarily a bad place or anything like that, just the I’m a creature of habit and change freaks me out. The move itself was happy. The … culture shock of it all? I don’t know, the major differences between Utah and Alabama is what really got to me. I went from seeing pretty mountains everyday to seeing green hills. I have no sense of literal direction and the openness of Alabama is almost scary. I’m so used to living in a valley where you know where you are pretty much at all times and if you’re lost, it is pretty dang easy to find where you’re at again. It’s a different culture, terrain, and a different climate and I honestly was not prepared for that to throw me into a weird depression. But, I’m finally okay. It’s such a great feeling!

I’ll be completely honest, my blog readers have helped. I’ve gotten so many sweet messages and comments and I love them. I love every single one of them. I have some really amazing readers! It’s nice hearing that there are people who like my writing, who enjoy my opinions and that there are even younger girls that look up to me! So, you guys are amazing and awesome and rock so hard!

*please don’t message me about medications – I honestly have NOTHING against them other than they’re just not for me. I highly suggest that if you have depression you talk to your doctor about it before stopping any medication. And of course, there are so many wonderful places to get help.

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10 thoughts on “My Dirty Little Secret: Depression

  1. I was put on an antidepressant at the beginning of this year, and reacted really badly to it. It's made me not want to try any others. This year has been my worst year, as far as depression goes, but finding other bloggers that share their experiences with it has been really helpful to me. Its nice to know that other people have gone through or are going through it too, and are doing okay.


  2. Glad to hear you are doing better. This past month was tough for me too. I'm lucky that medication does seem to help me, but I totally understand that it's not for everyone. Thanks for being so honest and sharing what helps you.


  3. You lived in Utah?! Girl, I was born and raised in Orem and Provo! Utah gal pals!

    I know EXACTLY what you mean about the big shocks of moving. It's like, nothing is wrong, but everything is just a little off, a little strange, a little different. And you look around questioning yourself like, “What am I doing here?” It can really be unsettling, and you just can't put your finger on it.

    I'm glad things are getting better and that you're pulling yourself out of your rut!



  4. I'm sorry for what you're going through! I literally JUST posted this comment on a different blog post on depression, so I thought I would copy here as it's kind of a long comment:

    I have bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder, plus anxiety. October and November were rough for me as well. (We’re still in November, of course, but our little budgie bird passed away and damn. I am having a REALLY hard time.) Jen also has bipolar disorder and anxiety, plus social anxiety. So it’s something we know a lot about and have had since we were children. Sadly, my ‘medicine cocktail’ as the Doctor said, isn’t working that well. >.< Here's to better mental health!


  5. Antidepressants are such an interesting thing. They can work so well for some and not at all for others. Keep your chin up, it gets better. It's a difficult thing to deal with but find things to focus on.


  6. You are a lucky one! It was hard discovering that medication is not for me but now that I know my triggers and have a better understanding, it isn't so bad anymore. It seems like this last month or so has been rough on a lot of people. ❤ Hopefully everyone gets feeling better, soon.


  7. Dude! I was living in Orem!! Yay for Utah friends!

    It is such an unsettling situation and it was made worse by moving to one place and having orders get changed and having to move again … within a week. I've gotten used to the weirdness of Alabama and have KIND OF gotten a sense of direction … but man, do I miss the mountains.


  8. <3 I've had my share of medicine cocktails and I wish they worked for me :( It is such a rough thing trying to find what does and does not work. I hope you get feeling better. These fall months seem to be rough on everyone.


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