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Surviving the Outernet

 So, I don’t know if you guys knew this but … I’ve been without internet for like … 2 weeks now. TWO WEEKS. Let’s have a little pity party for me for just a second. It’s been rough. I have been dying to plug back into the matrix. I’ve had to find like real life things to do with myself and let me tell you, the outernet is scary. Here are some survival tips if you’re without internet for a week or two.
Survival Tips for Life Without Internet: (AKA Surviving the Outernet.)

1.       When tempted to find a place with free Wi-Fi be cautious of your surroundings. The outernet is full of talkative, curious people that will literally talk your ear off if given the chance.
2.       When on the hunt for Wi-Fi, be wary of the hipsters at Starbucks. Not only are they annoyingly pretentious but they also are extremely judgey when you pull out your behemoth gaming laptop instead of your Macbook.
3.       If desperate enough to use the internet at McDonalds… don’t sit near the foreveralone during his raid times. It’s distracting and sometimes smelly.
4.       When conversing with outernet kids remember that they’re not accustom to hearing words like, “outernet”, “foreveralone”, “meme”, and “trollololol” … avoid using these kinds of words.
5.       Surprisingly, the people of the outernet are not used to internet kids pulling out their google devices to research or get directions. It confuses them and can irritate them. Don’t provoke them unless you absolutely have to.
6.       Headphones  are used to alert the Outernetians that you’re not interested in conversation. Some Outernetians actually don’t understand this and still may try to talk to you. Don’t be alarmed if this happens. You can either: a) ignore them and pretend that you didn’t notice them or b) engage them in conversation. The latter is the polite thing to do but is also more time consuming. 
7.       Try to find the prehistoric Google place, or the “Library” as the Outernetians call it, as the people there are the most compatible with us internet kids.
8.       If, for some reason, you decide to be social, don’t be surprised by the overwhelming amount of sound and stupidity that happens in the Outernet. The internet is stupid but the in the Outernet you actually witness the stupidity first hand. It can be scary and demoralizing.
9.       Unlike the Internet, the outernet isn’t a place where you can visit the same places multiple times a day… actually; you shouldn’t even visit the same places daily. The baristas and workers will start to recognize you and this usually results in more conversation than us internet kids are used to.
10.   If by some miraculous chance you find another lost internet kid, approach with caution and don’t be overbearing. You’ll scare them off.

Here is a list of things you can do while you’re waiting to plug back into the Matrix.
You can…
– Read a book or two… or 12.
– Play your backlog of games
– Paint your nails  
– Organize and reorganize your room.
– Get lost in your new city and then figure out how to get home. Twice.
– Find the library only to discover that you’ve read just about every book in your favorite section.
– Stay in bed and complain about how hot it is only to be told that this isn’t even the hottest month here.
– Get your child into gymnastics and complain about the nice people that are trying to befriend you.
That’s about all I’ve got.  Do you have any Outernet Survival Tips?

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4 thoughts on “Surviving the Outernet

  1. My least favorite outernet place is airplanes. I can be using an iPad and reading comics and the outernetians there STILL try to talk to me. The library is a far safer place for internet access.

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